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God's Truth
Or Human Thinking?
(Letter or appeal)
The following I have edited and elaborated on from an original letter I
sent to the Brooklyn brothers on the 23rd of September, 2000. The letter
was a letter of appeal over my impending disfellowshipping or
excommunication at the time due to my undertaking gender reassignment. I
had sent other letters over a period of nine years regarding the
transsexed, and this I think was my last, my only other contact was a
phone conversation about four years after being disfellowshipped.
My Dear Brothers,
I wrote six months ago, 28th of March 2000, and a lot has happened
since. I feel compelled and in need to write again over matters of the
utmost concern and urgency. Recently I had a visit from two elders,
Br____ and Br____, over a weighty matter I brought to their attention,
an action on my part, which I cannot deviate from: He has sworn to
what is bad [for himself], and yet he does not alter. Psalm 15:4c.
An action that the elders will be compelled to disfellowship me over in
compliance with the last letter you sent me, in answer to my question,
regarding any transsexual who has had gender reassignment; and what he
or she must do to present themselves acceptable before Jehovah in order
to be baptized.
On the 23rd of June 2000 I commenced hormone treatment to start gender
reassignment. My disfellowshipping will probably be scheduled for the
end of October 2000, as I have made it clear I can not stop my treatment
and why I started in the first place. I have the option of appealing the
disciplinary action of disfellowshipping and state reasons to why it
would be unjust, inappropriate and unloving. I have made my petitions
with tears before my Father, Jehovah, and now I write my petition on
paper before men – before you. I will give a copy of this letter to the
elders so that all things will be open and honest; making no room for
Satan or misunderstandings. I love our elders; this whole matter has
been very hard for them. I pray that Father give us all power beyond
normal and His Wisdom from above with reasonableness.
I started hormone treatment because I feared bringing reproach on
Jehovah and His organization if I didn't, for without treatment I would
have soon been unable to care for Rachel, as I had become
so physically sick and weak as well as emotionally distressed. I was
becoming highly aggressive and bitterness and jealousy was taking over
in my heart toward my spiritual brothers and sisters. I will explain
these things more clearly later. I was constantly suicidal and had given
up the will to live. My greatest fear was not only the taking of my
life, but also that of Rachel's in order that she wouldn't be left
behind to suffer as I have. I have been shattered by what I have been
reduced to think because of not being allowed to seek needed and
appropriate medical treatment without the threat of disfellowshipping.
I would like to make it clear that I had no intentions to gender
reassign until the 21st of June 2000. It came as a shock to me. Totally
unexpected. I knew full well the current stand of the Society over such
actions. I even said to Jehovah that I couldn’t do such a thing or I
would be disfellowshipped. It is all very hard to explain.
On March 22nd I lay in bed very ill. My body had been degenerating for
several years due to a collagen deficiency from benign hyper mobility
syndrome (severely double jointed) and now I had passed that critical
peek where my health would plummet speedily. All I could think about was
Rachel's welfare. I felt I was dying very slowly and now I had reached a
point that I could barely see to the basic needs of Rachel. I just
prayed to Father, what else could I do? Unless I am very much mistaken
the elders will tell you that there is nowhere for Rachel to go if I
were to die or became totally incapacitated. Rachel's needs are
heartbreaking.
My chronic severe PMT had returned with vengeance, which makes me
extremely violent and disorientated, on top of that I was trying not to
have another breakdown which I feared wouldn’t be a partial breakdown
this time, but a total one as I was still recovering from physical burn
out and collapse I suffered in September 99. I was so ill in the month
of September 99 that by the end of the District Convention held in
Darwin I hadn’t eaten for fifteen days, I wanted to eat, I just
couldn’t, and I was living on honey, green tea, sugar, lemon juice and
water. My digestive system had packed up as it was clogged up with fecal
matter that had embedded itself fast to the walls of my small and large
intestine. I had to have several extremely painful bowl massages to
dislodge the waste. I expelled a black tar like sludge over a number of
days along with fibrous growths. It was disgusting. I had got in this
state as my stomach is usually in a big stress knot through anxiety and
so digestion and elimination of food is impaired. I pulled through that
one with the strength of Jehovah. If anyone had known I couldn’t eat
they would have insisted or even forced me to do so; only making my
condition worse.
My physical condition was of deterioration. My muscle tissue has been
wasting away slowly along with other tissue. Up until the end of June I
was nursing a very sore right arm, which kept collapsing on me, making
even the picking up of my bible very painful at times and I would
actually have to drop it. I was looking after Rachel with one arm on a
frequent basis. Physiotherapy on the arm didn’t help. Rachel is
quadriplegic; she cannot help me move her in any way. I again kept
praying to Father that my other arm didn’t collapse from all the extra
work. My knees and ankles were getting weaker making it more difficult
to stand with each passing month coupled with sore feet. I would only
have to sit or lie for a few minutes and when I stood my feet felt as
though they would split open, along with hip pain, making it necessary
to limp for a few of steps to alleviate the pain some what; fluid
accumulated in my joints within a few minutes of inactivity to cause all
this pain. If I sat in a chair for longer than half an hour my feet and
ankles would puff up.
Up to ten days before menstruation I would feel sick, disorientated and
indecisive. So life revolved around 10 days of PMT and then a few days
rest to recover from the PMT as well as coping with the emotional trauma
of having to bleed for several days when I am a man. Having to cope with
half of every month taken up with period-related problems coupled with
other physical and emotional problems was and has been devastating.
Seeing my body wasting away knowing I wasn’t allowed to do anything
about it has been traumatic to say the least.
I often cried with concern about what was going to happen to Rachel. I
knew I only had about 3 months left before I would have to call the
elders and welfare to take Rachel from me. Having looked after her for
six and a half years now I know what the sort of care Rachel receives in
hospitals when I am not in attendance – it’s scary. There are no
adequate facilities to cater for her needs physically, psychologically
and most importantly – spiritually. The only place she could go, but
wouldn’t be allowed, would be a Bethel for our brothers and sisters who
have served for many faithful years and are well advanced in years.
Unfortunately, in a Bethel her claim to have gender dysphoria would be
rejected. She has no freedom of speech regarding her gender anywhere
outside her present environment. Our lives are one continual, total
restriction over everything we say and do. We wish to serve Jehovah with
our whole heart, mind and strength. We battle being slaves to our bodies
and man’s oppression of us at the expense of our heart, mind and
strength.
After much prayer I had a strong compulsion to phone our G.P. and on the
22nd of March 2000 I started the path that lead to the later unexpected
decision of the 21st of June 2000 to start hormone treatment. Before
this I was debating with the doctors about suitable hormone treatment
and ovary removal to stop the PMT. Having gender dysphoria suddenly
became a big issue. I told them I couldn’t undergo gender reassignment
due to being a Jehovah’s Witness. I knew the female hormones the doctors
suggested I take would make me sicker. (I researched what they wanted to
give me – no way). I couldn’t convince an endocrinologist that my PMT
was playing up, nor the fact my body was deteriorating though the signs
were visible. He tried to convince me everything was in my head all due
to the gender dysphoria. Blood tests were normal – end of debate. I told
him blood tests did not show up PMT, as each person had their own unique
chemical make up. He was silent, as he knew this to be fact. I also
asked him if everything was normal why was I growing a beard without
help of hormones. Again he was silent.
The endocrinologist insisted I didn’t know what was best for me - only
the doctors did. He was referring to my mastectomy that he indicated I
shouldn’t have had, as I hadn’t been under gender reassignment with his
team’s guidance or another team in Australia. (Their "guidance" involved
hormone treatment and regular visits to a psychiatrist to make sure I
was coping and following all their instructions. I told him I couldn’t
follow their instructions of living and dressing as a man and receiving
hormones because I was a Jehovah’s Witness and I would be
disfellowshipped and that the decision to have a mastectomy was non of
the doctors' business, especially since I had a report from a
psychiatrist [who had known me for several years] stating I knew what I
was doing and had needed one since I first developed breasts, plus I
paid for the operation not the government) I asked if the doctors knew
best, why hadn’t he, as well as others, suggested any help for me before
now, they had nine years to do so. All I got during nine years was
deteriorating health and had been driven to hurting myself (bruised and
scratched breasts) because the doctors had blocked any attempt I made to
have a mastectomy before April 23rd 1998 because I refused to follow
their gender reassignment plans due to my religious status. Again he was
silent. He knew that he and the other doctors had not been helpful and
that the positive emotional changes after my mastectomy proved it had
been a correct decision on my part.
On the 21st of June 2000 I had a doctors appointment to try and sort out
with the doctors some form of treatment we could all agree upon. I had
researched the side effects of the suggested treatments and they
definitely were not going to stop my physical deterioration; nor improve
my general emotional state. The treatments assigned to women were going
to make me more a slave to my body and the depression. Everything I did
was a further painful reminder of being a man trapped in a woman’s
body.I prayed to Father as I drove to the appointment asking how I was
suppose to sort all this mess out – time was running out and Rachel
needed me. I had given up the will to live; I didn’t matter anymore.
Rachel mattered. I sat in the surgery waiting room praying incessantly
for guidance on how I was going to have the doctors and myself come up
with a suitable treatment that made good medical sense. I didn’t even
know where to start.It was a good thing that my G.P. generally ran 45
minutes late. For the first ten minutes of my praying I begged for help
and answers. For the next 35 minutes I got a lot of guidance and
answers. Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer
and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be make
known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard
YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus. – Phil 4:6,
7. Let us, therefore, approach with freeness of speech to the throne of
underserved kindness, that we may obtain mercy and find underserved
kindness for help at the right time. - Heb. 4:16.
Jehovah indicated that I wouldn’t have to worry about the agenda I was
about to present before my long-suffering and helpful G.P. for his
opinion; the agenda that I hoped would prepare me for battle with
unhelpful doctors in a few days time. Memories and prayers and
scriptures came flooding into my head of the pass eleven years of
service and dedication to Jehovah. Things Father has done for Rachel and
me; the how’s and why’s. Yes. I could scrap the agenda; I was to ask for
testosterone injections. I sat with a clear mind but at the same time I
was perplexed. If I were to take the treatment it would be gender
reassignment and I would be disfellowshipped. I told Father I would be
disfellowshipped. The letter from the Society outlining its current
stand regarding the transsexed transitioning made that clear. I thought
that if I weren't misleading myself may be Satan was. But Jehovah made
it clear that this had nothing to do with Satan or any selfish motives
on my part. Jehovah knew my needs and He had heard and taken to His
heart my supplications regarding my concern over Rachel and my
willingness to sacrifice my very life for her. I told Father countless
times before the 21st June 2000 that I couldn’t go on anymore as I had
given up on myself even if He hadn’t. But what about Rachel? If this was
how it was to be for transsexuals in Jehovah’s Organization I couldn’t
cope any more - I wasn’t coping anyway. If we had to be ostracized,
repudiated, chastised, counselled and condemned for a medical condition,
what was to happen to us?
Father has indicated that everything is going to be alright and that He
won’t leave me no matter what happens. But how can everything be alright
if I am to be disfellowshipped? What happened to me in that surgery
isn’t going to be accepted or believed. I didn’t deliberately seek
gender reassignment. We are counseled not to question a brother or
sister's claim that Jehovah has helped them in some way. Sometimes our
circumstances are so unique with apparently no way out that only Jehovah
can personally guide us through prayer and the scriptures and by reading
the literature provided through the Society. The fact that I didn’t ask
Jehovah for gender reassignment reassures me that my decision was not
from a desperate heart selfishly seeking a treatment that violated God's
commands and wishes. I pleaded for help and guidance in that surgery. I
didn’t ask for anything else. I didn’t know what to do. I was dying.
In like manner the spirit also joins in with help for our weakness; for
the [problem of] what we should pray for as we need to we do not know,
but the spirit itself pleads for us with groanings unuttered. Yet he who
searches the hearts knows what the meaning of the spirit is, because it
is pleading in accord with God for holy ones. - Rom 8: 26-27.
It is due to this incident that I am convinced that Jehovah directed my
steps, no matter how mad it seems to man. I can not deviate from my
present treatment; to do so will show lack of faith in Jehovah and make
room for Satan to eat me up. Satan uses the arrogant and misleading
information about transsexuals to fuel peoples inability to understand
and accept the reality of this condition's serious and disastrous
consequences to its sufferers as a way to destroy our relationship with
Jehovah; a powerful way to convince us we are detestable in the eyes of
the only one who can give us life sustaining hope. Satan has tried to
get me to suicide since I came into the Truth eleven years ago. I will
not give him my life, or Rachel’s.
For peace I will take what is bitter. Look! For peace I had what was
bitter, yes, bitter; And you yourself have become attached to my soul
[and kept it] from the pit of disintegration. For you have thrown behind
your back all my sins.- Isaiah 38: 17. But I will not continue with
this unnecessary despair and depression I have been going through over a
medical condition and the brothers inability to come to terms with the
facts and see it for what it is.
I have discussed it with the elders. I only have the choices of suicide
or disfellowshipping. I will swallow the bitterness of being
disfellowshipped but not suicide.
“No garb of an able-bodied man should be put upon a woman, neither
should an able-bodied man wear the mantle of a woman; for anybody doing
these things is something detestable to Jehovah your God. - Deut.
22: 5 is not applicable to gender dysphoria and gender reassignment.
Being asked to present myself as a woman is a violation of my conscience
toward God which I can no longer live with. I am a man trapped in a
woman’s body being myself – a man. I am not a woman dressing in male
clothes or taking on the physical appearance of a man when not really
male. I have not violated Deut 22:5. I violate it when I wear women’s
clothes, scriptures about liars and deceivers pound my brain. But as
for the coward and those without faith and those who are disgusting in
their filth and murderers and fornicators and those practicing spiritism
and idolaters and all the liars, their portion will be in the lake that
burns with fire and sulphur. This means the second death.” - Rev 21:
8. I have not sat with men of untruth; and with those who hide what
they are I do not come in. - Ps. 26: 4. Should I feel any less
repulsed over being asked to cross-dress than Ezekiel was being asked to
bake cakes upon human dung? And as a round cake of barley you will
eat it; and as for it, upon dung cakes of the excrement of mankind you
will bake it before their eyes.” - Eze. 4:12. Has Father ignored my
pleas for Him not to ask me to violate my conscience and become unclean?
Will He not show me, as well as other transsexed, the mercy and
reasonableness that He showed toward Ezekiel- the love? Did Father close
His ears to Abraham when he begged Jehovah not to destroy Sodom before
He first search to see if there were any one righteous in the city?
A Watchtower article of September 15th 2000 has been of great comfort. I
am like Moses who said to God: “Please kill me off altogether, if I have
found favor in your eyes, and let me not look upon my calamity.” And I
exclaim like Elijah. “It is enough, now O Jehovah, take away please, my
soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive.” But like them
I also realize, “You must not murder” either yourself or anybody
else. - Exodus 20: 13. That article comforts me as I am in despair. I
have cried out to Jehovah and He has answered me. No temptation has
taken YOU except what is common to men. But God is faithful, and he will
not let YOU be tempted beyond what YOU can near, but along with the
temptation he will also make the way out in order for YOU to be able to
endure it. - 1 Cor 10: 13. He has made a way out for me in order
that I may endure and not bring reproach upon Him and His Organization.
Gender reassignment is not a cure. I will still have much to cope with,
but being myself and no longer being made to violate my conscience
toward God will help me to cope.
Page 5 of the article under “Willingness to listen” The adversity and
suffering has cause mental unbalance; this life expected of us
transsexed would cause anybody to loose balance. I have lost not only
balance but interest in life.
A personal decision must be made regarding forms of therapy. My decision
is a personal decision, it doesn’t violate Father's laws and standards,
it is between He and I. I have come to know Jehovah with my reason of
thinking and written knowledge on my heart . My mind, heart, soul and
strengths are male and it is with those things I serve Jehovah. To
repudiate or make invalid my mind, heart, soul and strength is to
recognize only my physical body which is a vessel in which I am carried.
I cannot serve with whole mind, heart and soul. I haven’t been able to
even serve with part mind, heart and soul. I am a crushed person and
Father makes it quite clear He doesn’t despise a broken and crushed
heart. “the One teaching you to benefit yourself. The One causing you
to tread in the way in which you should walk.” - Isaiah 48: 17. I
can not carry this burden without Jehovah. He has carried me for 11
years and even before that. 15-8-2000 Watchtower has convinced me even
more that Father is still with me and that it is He who has guided me.
Father is not partial, transsexuals live in despair if not helped.
Becoming a Witness doesn’t change things, we still suffer. If a Witness
gets cancer, does it grow slower or even vanish because he knows and has
faith and love in God? – Of course not. And don’t we as Witnesses follow
medical procedures to save our lives, even procedures like chemotherapy
that can kill us? We are even allowed to amputate an arm or leg if it is
cancerous. Is that seen as self-mutilation? – Of course not. But the
Organization can’t see the cancer of gender dysphoria; all that is seen
is a moral issue, a violation of one of Gods laws written for the people
of Israel hundreds of years ago; a law that is not applicable. - Deut
22: 5. And blotted out the handwritten document against us, which
consisted of decrees and which was in opposition to us; and He has taken
it out of the way by nailing it to the torture stake. - Col. 2:14.
If I have to alter my body like a cancer victim in order to save my life
(having the full knowledge that Jehovah has allowed me to do so), then I
must, as my life, not my female appearance, is precious and sacred in
Jehovah’s eyes. I am not going to mutilate and rip my mind apart for the
sake of my vessel. The vessel is not precious in Jah’s eyes; it is the
contents of the vessel.
If a vessel containing a valuable substance began to leak and no other
suitable vessel for the time could be found to place the leaking
contents into, would we say; "Oh well." and throw the vessel away along
with the valuable substance? Never. We would instead patch up the leak,
even if it meant the vessel had to change its appearance or even become
unsightly. Father doesn’t care about the outside appearance of our
vessels if the inside is leaking out. Until the New System He will patch
up our leaking vessels in any way He sees fit in order to preserve our
vessels precious substance. That precious substance being our lives, our
inner self and being.
Is it now to be presumed that Deut 22: 5 invalidates the following:
Psalm 139 O Jehovah, you have searched through me, and you know [me].
2 You yourself have come to know my sitting down and my rising up. You
have considered my thought from far off.
3 My journeying and my lying outstretched you have measured off, And you
have become familiar even with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But, look! O Jehovah, you
already know it all.
5 Behind and before, you have besieged me; And you place your hand upon
me.
6 [Such] knowledge is too wonderful for me. It is so high up that I
cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from your spirit, And where can I run away from your
face?
8 If I should ascend to heaven, there you would be; And if I should
spread out my couch in She´ol, look! you [would be there].
9 Were I to take the wings of the dawn, That I might reside in the most
remote sea,
10 There, also, your own hand would lead me And your right hand would
lay hold of me.
11 And were I to say: “Surely darkness itself will hastily seize me!”
Then night would be light about me.
12 Even the darkness itself would not prove too dark for you, But night
itself would shine just as the day does; The darkness might just as well
be the light.
13 For you yourself produced my kidneys; You kept me screened off in the
belly of my mother.
14 I shall laud you because in a fear-inspiring way I am wonderfully
made. Your works are wonderful, As my soul is very well aware.
15 My bones were not hidden from you When I was made in secret, When I
was woven in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw even the embryo of me, And in your book all its parts
were down in writing, As regards the days when they were formed And
there was not yet one among them.
17 So, to me how precious your thoughts are! O God, how much does the
grand sum of them amount to!
18 Were I to try to count them, they are more than even the grains of
sand. I have awaked, and yet I am still with you.
Psalm 15. O Jehovah, who will be a guest in your tent?Who will reside in
your holy mountain?
2 He who is walking faultlessly and practicing righteousness And
speaking the truth in his heart.
3 He has not slandered with his tongue. To his companion he has done
nothing bad,And no reproach has he taken up against his intimate
acquaintance.
4 In his eyes anyone contemptible is certainly rejected, But those
fearing Jehovah he honors. He has sworn to what is bad [for himself],
and yet he does not alter.
5 His money he has not given out on interest, And a bribe against the
innocent one he has not taken. He that is doing these things will never
be made to totter.
Only, as Jehovah has given each one a portion, let each one so walk as
God has called him. And thus I ordain in all the congregations. Was any
man called circumcised? Let him not get circumcised. Circumcision does
not mean a thing, and uncircumcision means not a thing, but observance
of God’s commandments [does]. In whatever state each one was called, let
him remain in it. Were you called when a slave? Do not let it worry you;
but if you can also become free rather seize the opportunity. For anyone
in [the] Lord that was called when a slave is the Lord’s freedman;
likewise he that was called when a freeman is a slave of Christ. You
were bought with a price; stop becoming slaves of men. - 1 Cor 7:
17-23;
But Jehovah said to Samuel: “Do not look at his appearance and at the
height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For not the way man sees
[is the way God sees], because mere man sees what appears to the eyes;
but as for Jehovah, he sees what the heart is.” - 1 Sam 16: 7;
Let YOUR reasonableness become known to all men. - Phil 4: 5;
For the word of God is alive and exerts power and is sharper than any
two-edged sword and pierces even to the dividing of soul and spirit, and
of joints and [their] marrow and [is] able to discern thoughts and
intentions of [the] heart. And there is not a creation that is not
manifest to his sight, but all things are naked and openly exposed to
the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting. - Heb. 4:12, 13;
Because a foolish thing of God is wiser than men, and a weak thing of
God is stronger than men. For YOU behold his calling of YOU, brothers,
that not many wise in a fleshly way were called, not many powerful, not
many of noble birth; but God chose the foolish things of the world, that
he might put the wise men to shame; and God chose the weak things of the
world, that he might put the strong things to shame; and God chose the
ignoble things of the world and the things looked down upon, the things
that are not that he might bring to nothing the things that are, in
order that no flesh might boast in the sight of God. - 1 Cor.
1:25-29.
I waited many years for medical evidence of my affliction. When I heard
that the evidence had been found in brain structure and function I was
elated. At last the world would stop treating us as people to be
despised and ostracized. People would see what God had always seen, that
we are one gender trapped in the body of another gender. At long last,
just like the intersexed, we would be able to seek medical help without
condemnation and judgment from people. That the desire of numerous
specialist doctors in the field of gender dysphoria would be realized,
in that the condition could be seen in the same light as intersexed
conditions. I thought our Society of Jehovah’s Witnesses would see it
for what it was, an incurable medical condition that leaves its
sufferers feeling helpless and hopeless. Help and answers fill an
individual with hope when they receive medical treatment. This is not a
cross-dressing issue . Transsexuals aren't cross-dressing. Transvestites
and some other individuals with problems cross-dress because they are
men dressing as women or women dressing as men. Cross-dressing is an
addiction; a desire; a weird quirk in someone’s personality.
Transsexualism is not an addiction; desire or weird quirk of
personality.
I thought if my brother and sisters saw the facts, they would no longer
have to be scared of me and others like me. That I could stop beating
myself up over unnecessary feelings of guilt that I was an embarrassment
and reproach upon Father and His Organization. But no. The news came
from the Organization that Jehovah did not see us as clean and
acceptable unless we presented ourselves as our biological birth, even
if we no longer looked anything like our original appearance due to
transitioning before knowing anything about Jehovah. We must again give
up our dignity and identity and live double lives or else be ostracized
for being different. A difference we had no control over; we the
transsexed either die or change our bodies. But the most devastating
thing wasn’t the rejection by people, but being told that apparently
God, our only lasting hope, also rejected us. To [only] accept our
[biological] body is to reject us, to repudiate all we say is to reject
us. Scriptures that filled our hearts with hope such as 1 Sam 16: 7 and
Ps. 139 have been ripped from our hearts. We felt sure that if people
didn’t see us for who we are inside, Jehovah God would. And what’s more,
He loved and accepted us. Is our hope we gained from the scriptures to
be ripped away and replaced with nothing?
It is incredible what modern science has discovered, one of the most
amazing things that I recently read about is a condition called sex
reversal syndrome. Babies would present themselves as being completely
anatomically male and yet their chromosomes were XX [female] and
anatomical female had sex chromosome XY. This major discovery dispelled
the belief that only XX or XY determined the anatomical appearance of an
individual; whether the person was a boy or girl. So this begs an answer
to what psychological gender a person is. Who decides? The doctors; the
parents; society; the genes? Nobody decides. Even the individual doesn't
decide. They conclude from their feelings when they have experienced
enough knowledge of their surrounding world, and how they function
within it, whether they are a boy, a girl, or neutral.
Before chromosome testing, how many sex reversal individuals may have
been treated as transsexuals or sexual deviants or homosexuals because
nobody would believe their claim to being opposite gender to their body?
Intersexed individuals who have carried XY chromosomes have had their
micropenis and testis removed shortly after birth to turn them into
little girls because the doctors supposedly knew best. It was proposed
that people weren’t born to feel like a boy or girl, they had to learn
to be a gender, or so the doctors tried to convince everyone. Now years
later 66% of doctor decided “little girls” are grown men who are now
trapped in hormonally induced female bodies, their lives destroyed along
with their families. The other 33% are neutral gender psychologically or
female psychologically. And today even though the intersexed are
screaming out to the world to stop removing and mutilating the genitals
of little babies, some doctors are still saying they know best over the
personal tragedies of the intersexed and continue to mutilate intersexed
babie's genitals and destroy more lives.
It is tragic when man plays God with peoples lives because they look
only at the outside appearance. …during the time that man has
dominated man to his injury. Ecc. 8:9.
Before the doctors became knife happy 30-40 years ago, they didn’t even
ask adult untouched intersexed how they felt or who they were inside.
Doctors were presumptuous, There exists a way that is upright before
a man, but the ways of death are the end of it afterward. - Pr.
14:12 But why should doctors ask the intersexed how they feel and what
they want when society itself treats these people like freaks or
something to be feared even in today’s so called enlightened world.
Even to his fellowman one who is of little means is an object of hatred,
but many are the friends of the rich person. - Pr.14:20.
From the tragedy of the intersexed, some huge lessons have been learnt,
at least by some, and also lessons from the tragedy of normal anatomical
and chromosomal boys who have lost their genitals through accidents and
were brought up as girls only to find that the doctors' brainwashing
hadn’t worked [these little boys were still little boys in thought and
heart no matter how many female hormones were pumped into them]. These
are lessons that gender is not taught and that no matter how hard
doctors try to turn a little boy into a girl, he will never be a little
girl and visa versa. An individual doesn’t choose what gender they are.
That is why there is not one case of a transsexual being conclusively
and permanently cured through psychological therapy. We haven’t chosen
our gender. We are trapped in bodies alien to us, we have no choice.
Some doctors realize that transsexualism is another form of the numerous
intersexed conditions. Intersexed are individuals born with gonad
tissues of both gender [ovaries and testis: very rare]; or are born with
ambiguous genitalia but they only posses ovaries or testes, not both;
the genitals didn’t form completely; or an intersexual may have
chromosomal triggers that may masculinize a person who originally
appeared female or feminize a previous assumed male. Transsexuals have a
normal anatomical appearance but their brains have formed in the gender
opposite to the body. As with the intersexed, the gender of the person
is determined from the individuals feelings, not by what they want or
decide.
Why can’t transsexuals, like the intersexed, stand before God and say
who we are without man dictating what we should do and who we are?
A transsexual who is a Jehovah’s Witness isn't a moral threat to anyone,
whether they are gender reassigned or not. I don’t go around encouraging
people to take up practices unacceptable to Jehovah. A transsexual is as
clean and law abiding as the next person - in or out of the Truth. When
I have gender reassignment brothers and sisters aren’t going to apply
for gender reassignment deciding they don’t want to be a man or woman
anymore. Nobody can become a transsexual it is something an individual
is born as. Gender reassignment for the transsexual is not a sin.
I was being torn apart by my behavior and despair. I stopped going to
the meetings because I was starting to be nasty or resentful toward my
brothers and sisters. Some would make it painfully obvious to me that
they weren’t going to call me Sam by going out of their way to call me
Samantha, even though they knew that it hurt and offended me. Even their
knowing that letters from the Society addressed me as Sister Sam didn’t
help. They were convinced I had managed to pull the wool over the
brothers’ eyes in Brooklyn. Having brothers I genuinely loved treat me
in such a way has been crushing. Having them accuse me of asking them to
compromise their standards and relationship toward God hurt even more. I
would prefer to die before asking anybody to sacrifice a fine
relationship with Jehovah and give up their integrity for my sake. I was
also reminded that I was lucky to have had the [Brooklyn] brothers
‘tolerate’ me for so long. No brother or sister should be tolerated when
they haven’t done anything wrong.
I – Sam Luke-Anthony – was not accepted. A sister tried to tell me I was
accepted and loved. I told her I was accepted and loved when I presented
myself as Samantha and kept my mouth shut. I had no freedom of speech
like everyone else. She said I did have freedom of speech. We were at a
Hall clean that day, so I asked her if I had freeness of speech I would
be able to go outside stand in the midst of my brothers and say I am
Brother Sam Luke-Anthony Davies. Just like any other brother would be
allowed. I asked her how long it would be before the brothers would ask
me to leave the Kingdom Hall. She looked embarrassed, she like everyone
else, could not accept me or knew in reality, I was not accepted by the
Society; though many in my congregation wanted to embrace Rachel and I
as two God fearing loyal transsexuals.
When I speak I have to censor everything I say, or speak neutrally. I
have to call Rachel, Robbie. I can’t say I have a wife, I say my spouse.
I don’t say the man I am, I say the sort of person I am. I can’t ask
people to stop calling Robbie my husband or me his wife, it would be an
unreasonable request to be referred to as spouse, even from those who
know us. People can’t train their thought and speech patterns or habits
to such an extent. It has taken me years to train myself to speak
neutrally so as not to offend and disturb. It is extremely stressful and
draining to have to watch every word I say, how I say something; where
and to whom. I don’t use the sisters' toilet, as I have no right being
there, nor do I wish to stumble people who know I claim to be a man by
entering that female space. I feel terrible whenever I have to go into a
female toilet. I don’t use the brothers’ toilet either or it would
stumble and cause an uproar. I use the toilet designated for the
disabled. I hate walking in no mans land. I’m a man, not a thing or an
it.
It isn’t a case of a bad attitude. Nor can I try not to think about my
situation. Nearly everything an individual does is gender orientated. I
can’t wear the clothes I need to wear or would like to wear. Even the
article on ties caused me a lot of distress. The brothers were
exchanging tie tying techniques and comparing each others handy work, I
knew how to tie a tie, I had worn one for two years at a school in
England. I had a natural compulsion to join the brothers but I was
alienated from it all. If I had been a sister then I could have joined
in (a wife showing how she can expertly tie a tie as she does it all the
time for her husband), nobody would have moralized me then, but if I had
joined in there would have been certain individuals ready to frowned
upon me and accused me of conveniently getting away with cross-dressing.
I have been accused of trying to rock the boat and rebel before. I
wasn’t rebelling. In order to keep some shred of sanity at a Convention
I wore a long denim skirt, a neutral long sleeved denim shirt and men’s
shoes. I couldn’t put female shoes on it was hard enough putting on the
skirt. After the Convention I collapsed in a mass of tears as the
experience had been too draining and I spent several days in bed to
regain some emotional equilibrium so I could continue general meeting
attendance (in women’s clothes). I cannot violate my conscience anymore.
This is a medical, not moral, issue.
If I miss meetings I get counseled with Hebrews 10: 24-25. And let us
consider one another to incite to love and fine works, not forsaking the
gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom, but
encouraging one another, and all the more so as YOU behold the day
drawing near. I haven’t forsaken meetings, I only miss some because
I become so emotionally traumatized I get ill. I have regretted
attending meetings when really sick, as I have blown up and become
aggressive. When I am deep in a depression and filled with despair I am
not encouraging. Being reminded that I am a man trapped in a woman’s
body but I am to be repudiated doesn’t excite me to love and fine works.
I offered years ago, before meeting Rachel, to leave Darwin and go
underground so to speak, hoping this would prevent stumbling anybody or
prevent reproach upon the Organization, as long as I could receive all
the Watchtowers, and Awakes! and taped Sunday Public talks. The elders
didn’t want me to go. They felt I would end up on the streets
prostituting myself. I felt extremely insulted that they thought my
morals and my relationship with Jehovah was so weak that I would end up
a prostitute. But at the time I failed to realize fully that most people
think or define transsexuals as prostitutes who have morals lower than a
dog living in a gutter.
I have thought about disassociating myself against my will to keep
everyone happy. But since I love Jehovah and the Organization what would
that achieve? I agree that the Organization is the true way to God and
have never considered leaving it. We are God’s people, I knew that from
the first day I came in contact with the Truth. I wasn’t part of the
world before coming into the Truth. I have nothing to return to. The
world has always repulsed me. I am not going to slap Father in the face
after all He has done for me. If I had known the full extent of my
condition I wouldn’t have been baptized. Knowing I would be rejected and
oppressed like this would have crushed me. I would have called myself an
unbaptized Witness and attended all the meetings and preached
informally. But even that wouldn’t have worked, for after a while the
brothers would have announced me as an unfit associate. But Jehovah
obviously wanted me baptized or He would have made it known to me before
hand that transsexualism didn't afflict biological males only but also a
biological women. Father knew I wouldn’t have been able to keep it from
the elders if I had known that it was transsexed. Father knew the
brothers wouldn’t have allowed me to get baptized unless I denounced my
maleness and faked being a woman; becoming a liar. I wasn’t a liar
before the Truth, I am not one now.
But I am baptized and I don’t regret being baptized. I am a clean loyal
servant of Jehovah; I am not going to take my life like Satan wishes. I
am not going to sink into a self-centered pit of despair and self-pity
when I know I don’t need to. I am not going to continue down the path of
failing health that will leave me unable to care for Rachel.
Disfellowshipping is a way of keeping the congregation clean. It is also
a loving provision toward the disfellowshipped one to help them realize
the gravity of whatever sin the individual was involved in. When someone
is disfellowshipped they can always come back if they show true
repentance. What will I have to repent from? Cross-dressing? I don’t
cross-dress. Repent over taking the only viable medical treatment to
save my physical and emotional health and saving my own life? Brothers
and sisters save their lives everyday, but they usually suffer
conventional commonly acceptable things like cancer. They are allowed to
have mutilating operations that may leave them covered by horrific
scars. My life threatening condition isn’t conventional or seen as
plausible.
Eight years ago a sister told me acupuncture was Satanic as the needles
were similar to voodoo needles and the practitioners used the Ying and
Yang symbol. I told her it wasn’t Satanic. She was disgusted in me and
from that point on considered me dubious association. Another sister
told me that I had to stop acupuncture on Rachel as it was Satanic,
again the Ying and Yang symbol. Conventional medicine had failed to help
Rachel's neurogenic residual bladder (she couldn't wee) or the cerebral
palsy induced priapism that she suffered since birth. The doctors said
they would only operate on Rachel if she went into kidney failure, that
way if the operation saved her life everyone won. If she died, well she
would have died anyway. So the doctors sent her home with a terminal
diagnosis. I went to an acupuncturist who within the week had Rachel
weeing and her incurable priapism under control. I knew that there was
nothing wrong with acupuncture and continued the treatment despite the
condemnation from brothers and sisters who thought it was Satanic or, if
the treatment wasn’t Satanic, it would harm or even kill. I couldn’t
believe the ignorance. Rachel was saved kidney failure and possible
death from other complications through acupuncture and Chinese herbs.
Not through some Satanic practice.
There have been several things I have done as regards food and natural
medicine to both improve and sometimes save Rachel from being admitted
to a hospital or have applied to myself to keep me from being too ill to
care for Rachel. Things that again have had me condemned and criticized
by well meaning brothers and sisters. Things that years later have been
deemed by the Society in Awake! magazines as acceptable practices,
acupuncture being one of them.
If I had ceased certain treatments because of the fears of brothers and
sisters the results would have been catastrophic for both Rachel and me.
I have always prayed to Jehovah for help and guidance and He has always
found a way out for us without any violation of His principles or
standards. I have total trust in my Heavenly Father. He has allowed me
to have my gender reassignment. I cannot find any scriptures that
indicate that I have violated my Father's word. One misapplied scripture
[Deut. 22:5] is not a violation. Nor is the list of scriptures provided
by yourselves regarding the act of homosexuality appropriate. The
transsexed condition is not homosexuality.
If the transsexed were condemned by God He would have specifically
mentioned it in the Bible as something distinct from the cross-dresser.
A male cross-dresser doesn't feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body
nor is there a desire for him to be a woman. And likewise for a female
cross-dresser.
I appeal to you brothers, please do not have me disfellowshipped over
one scripture that doesn’t apply to gender reassignment for a
transsexual.
I cannot come to you or the elders in future months or years and repent.
I cannot present myself as a woman. I will have to violate my
conscience. I will have to lie. Such an action on my part will mislead
people by portraying transsexuals as mentally sick or unstable
individuals who mistakenly mutilate their body and are then rejected by
Jehovah. I have violated my conscience for eleven years by dressing as a
woman.
I know that 35% of people who have gender reassignment are not gender
dysphoric. This is where a relationship and knowledge of Jehovah and His
standards and laws is vital. Someone who learns about Jehovah and is not
transsexual knows if they have violated Deut 22:5. They know they can
fool people, but not God.
For years now I have believed that there are transsexuals who have
disassociated themselves because of sadness and fear of being rejected
or ostracized because of their transsexualism and the threat of being
disfellowshipped if they didn’t recant their claims, or refused to cease
gender reassignment. There would also be some children born into the
Truth who have left knowing they would have faced rejection or
harassment if they told their parents or the elders about their
transsexualism. Eleven years in the Truth I know how difficult it is
being a transsexed Jehovah’s Witness; the despair, guilt, pain,
suffering, loneliness, depression, ostracism, rejection, accusations and
condemnation. Witnesses are supposed to be happy people, we serve a
happy loving God. I have seen how unhappy a gay Witness can be and the
struggle. But being transsexual is an unending nightmare. I thank
Jehovah I was not born into the Truth - for how could I have proven to
my parents that I wasn’t going off the rails or I wasn’t sexually
deviant? Who could I have confided in except Jehovah our Heavenly
Father?
There must be many transsexuals presently in the Truth who are in depths
of despair. I take my thoughts and concerns about them to Jehovah
constantly.
I believe that some transsexuals have been disfellowshipped, I don't
believe I am the first and shamefully won't be the last.
I also believe that with gender reassignment being so successful that
some gender reassigned transsexuals would have come into the
Organization and been baptized and nobody knows of their transsexualism.
Individuals who are serving loyally our God Jehovah, their transsexed
state known only between them and our Heavenly Father.
A short time ago, with all the above mentioned already established in my
grieving heart, I inadvertently came in contact with a disassociated
transsexual here in Darwin. It has saddened me to know how happy she was
but felt she could never return because of fear of rejection not only by
the brothers but also by Father.
I have subsequently found out that a disfellowshipped transsexual is on
the internet, I have not gone to her website, nor do I intend to
…knowing that this individual is apparently now a prostitute when it
didn’t have to be that way is crushing.
If I am disfellowshipped I will still attend all the meetings that I am
allowed and receive continued comfort from the Awakes! and Watchtowers.
I will still preach. I will still preach to transsexuals. There are
those out there in the transsexual community who want to become
Jehovah's Witnesses. We are encouraged to search out those interested. I
will try and contact every transsexual person I can and tell them about
Jehovah and His purposes. I will tell them the current stand the Society
has on transsexuals (which isn't the same view point of Father's), as I
have been directed in the last letter from the Society.I realize that
someone will eventually mention me in the chat sites on the internet,
whether positive or negative is not my concern. Father will turn it to
His advantage. Everyone must come to hear about Jehovah. I will not
follow the same course as some disassociated or disfellowshipped ones. I
am a servant of Jehovah, I will always be.
I also hear there is a transsexual reassigned Witness in Germany. She
has not been disfellowshipped as the brothers and sisters apparently do
not know about her. She obviously surfs the Web and has mentioned
herself; wisely not mentioning her name and congregation. I wonder how
many like her are within the congregations? The disassociated Witness in
Darwin has mentioned a desire to go to the up and coming District
Convention in Darwin and also the meetings next year when she is deep
into her transitioning. That’s up to her.
A sister recently pointed out that transsexuals in the Organization may
never have recognition or acceptance. It looks that way, but I hope not.
My close friends know I am to be disfellowshipped before the year's end.
I have told them not to worry; I am in Jehovah’s hands. I will still be
alive after Armageddon. I just hate the idea I am being disfellowshipped
for a medical condition, not a sinful action. I hate the idea that
brothers and sisters will view transsexuals in the same light as the
rest of the world; self-mutilating, sexual deviants and sinners.
I have drawn closer to Jehovah over this. He hears and understands my
every word. He has seen every tear I have shed.
Last night I wondered what would be expected of a gender reassigned
couple who were legally married and were actually able to have sexual
intercourse and they learnt about Jehovah and wanted to become
Witnesses. Would they be required to get a divorce; separate; stay
together but remain celibate? If they had sex wouldn’t they have to be
repudiated? Transsexuals do marry one another.
My mother is not a Jehovah’s Witness but she has been very upset seeing
my distress over the pass eleven years. She can not understand why I am
not allowed gender reassignment. She has seen that becoming a Witness
saved my life and is furious that I am going to be disfellowshipped. She
knows the only reason I haven’t suicided is because of my Faith. She
knows I want to die; she knows Rachel wants to die. I can’t explain to
her or any body how Deut. 22: 5 has anything to do with gender
reassignment.
I am totally crushed. All I know is that Jehovah has indicated I keep
attending meetings for now. I don’t want to leave.
I try to look on the bright side. If I am disfellowshipped I will be
able to attend the meetings for the first time completely as myself. No
lies, no double life, no deception. No body will keep asking me how my
husband is, they won’t be able to talk to me so they won't be able to
upset me and I can’t upset them. The stress and anxiety of having to
censor everything I say will be gone. I can wear clothes that I need and
actually like for the first time in my life.
I’m not looking forward to the first few days of being disfellowshipped.
I hope Father answers my request to numb me. To sleep as much as
possible so I can’t feel the painful despair and depression. Submerge
myself in writing letters to transsexuals telling them about Jehovah.
My book – if Jehovah wills - I will finish writing. I tell about the
first nineteen years of my life before becoming a Jehovah’s Witness. I
try to sound humorous. I will mention how and why Rachel and I married,
as people always ask how we got together and we tell it how it is.
People like the story about Rachel and I. If I am disfellowshipped I
will just say I go to our meetings, I worship my God, I look forward to
the coming of Gods Kingdom when no resident will say, “I am sick.” The
day when we can all say that Jehovah has “…wiped every tear from our
eyes and death is no more, neither is there anymore mourning nor out cry
or pain anymore. Yes, the former things have passed away." – Rev.
21:4.
Three months into the hormone treatment I am physically stronger. The
PMT has been eradicated. I don’t cry all the time. I do not have violent
out bursts; I am not nasty to my brothers and sisters; I can cope with
their freedom a lot more now. I do plummet into depths of depression and
despair over my impending disfellowshipping, but then I grab the "World
Without Despair" article and read through the list of life saving and
comforting scriptures. My right arm healed two weeks after my first
injection. I can actually go for a walk, a vigorous walk without feeling
ill and having to spend the rest of the day in bed. My joints no longer
hurt like they did. I no longer feel as though I am dying because my
body isn’t deteriorating anymore. Jehovah willing I will be able to keep
caring for Rachel until Armageddon. I no longer feel I am violating my
conscience toward God by wearing women’s clothes. I am no longer a
deceiver for having to hide who I am. I no longer have to lead a double
life. I am back attending the meetings and I have been able to do some
informal Witnessing. I hated being away from my Fathers house.
If any transsexed can live happily in a closet without gender
reassignment; good, but I can't.
This system could go on for years; it could end next week. All I know is
my body and my mind had only a few months. I wasn’t prepared to die when
I knew gender reassignment was right and thus put Rachel through
needless suffering and distress and bring reproach upon my Father and
His people.
My Lord's yoke is light and kind. ”Come to me all YOU who are toiling
and loaded down, and I will refresh YOU. Take my yoke upon YOU and learn
from me, for I am mild-tempered and lowly in heart, and YOU will find
refreshment for YOUR souls. For my yoke is kindly and my load is light.”
Matthew 11: 28-30. I have felt as though I have been carrying a crushing
weight upon me, suffocating and strangling me. It wasn’t Christ’s yoke I
was carrying. I was carrying my own needless yoke of fear and guilt that
nearly cost Rachel and me our lives. Trembling at men is what lays a
snare, but he that is trusting in Jehovah will be protected. - Pr.
29:25
Before my hormone treatment I was growing a small beard, my hair line
was starting to recede and my voice box tickled every now and then. I
know who I am and my body seemed to know as well, but the female
hormones were too much to fight. The oppression has been too much.
Let a man so appraise us as being subordinates of Christ and stewards
of sacred secrets of God. Besides, in this case, what is looked for in
stewards is for a man to be found faithful. Now to me it is a very
trivial matter that I should be examined by YOU or a human tribunal.
Even I do not examine myself. For I am not conscious of anything against
myself. Yet by this I am not proved righteous, but he that examines me
is Jehovah. Hence do not judge anything before the due time, until the
Lord comes, who will both bring the secret things of darkness to light
and make the counsels of the hearts manifest, and then each one will
have his praise come to him from God. - 1 Cor 4: 1-5.
“A heart broken and crushed, O God, you will not despise.” Ps.
51: 17.
I do not know what more I can say. My life is in the hands of Jehovah. I
will not deviate
from truth. I will not violate my conscience.
Christian Love, Sam.
Psalm 126 When Jehovah gathered back the captive ones of Zion,
We became like those who were dreaming.
2 At that time our mouth came to be filled with laughter, And our tongue
with a joyful cry.
At that time they proceeded to say among the nations:“Jehovah has done a
great thing in what he has done with them.”
3 Jehovah has done a great thing in what he has done with us. We have
become joyful.
4 Do gather back, O Jehovah, our company of captives,Like streambeds in
the Neg´eb.
5 Those sowing seed with tearsWill reap even with a joyful cry.
6 The one that without fail goes forth, even weeping,Carrying along a
bagful of seed,
Will without fail come in with a joyful cry,Carrying along his sheaves
********
Please note. I mention my physical deterioration being helped by
testosterone treatment. Initially this was the case. But several months
into the treatment the testosterone became ineffective. It is now the
year 2007 and I have discovered I suffer underlying medical conditions
unrelated to my gender issues that cause muscle wasting that no matter
how much testosterone is taken will not benefit me. I am presently
undergoing tests to confirm/eliminate the reasons behind my muscle
wasting and the findings will be published to this site shortly if I am
permitted the requested investigations.
********
Update: I can not access the requested investigations due to lack
of finances and a disinterest from some doctors who are the only ones I
can turn to. Those who are or might be interested are literally several
thousand miles from where I live.
My lack of response to testosterone on my soft tissue, such as muscle
tissue, clitoris growth and lack of lowered voice, indicates I may have
a mutant or missing muscle gene. I may even have a form of Androgen
Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) But no known tests are available and even
if they are or become available I can ill afford them. These combined
with my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome has led to a slow deterioration of my
body with an uncertain outcome. Until more research is done on those
with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and the separate issue of FTM individuals
who don’t respond mostly or at all to testosterone, there is little we
can do to understand or help ourselves.
Regarding myself I have been taking Amino Acids as I show that I might
have metabolic myopathy where my body doesn’t process protein well from
my foods and thus suffer no development or a wasting of muscle tissue.
Again, I have no finances to confirm this. Since my taking the Amino
Acids in late November 2006, my deterioration has slowed and I have
experienced a rise in energy levels enabling me to get on with life the
best I can.
All the best, and no matter what the situation…never give up.
Love and peace, Sam Luke-Anthony. |